


Flowers and Ice

by DruidX



Series: The Genderless!HoK (TES IV: Oblivion) [4]
Category: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Genre: Blood and Violence, Character Death In Dream, Dream Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, One F-Bomb, heavy is the head that wears the crown, not actually that much comfort, suppressed emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26289046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DruidX/pseuds/DruidX
Summary: Genderless!HoK returns to Cloud Ruler to find Martin injured. The Blades are in a tizzy, Baurus at his wit's end. Can the HoK discover what the hell, how the hell, and most importantly,whythe hell before the situation degenerates further?
Series: The Genderless!HoK (TES IV: Oblivion) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1901968
Comments: 14
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stressed_moth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stressed_moth/gifts).



> **FYI: There is a single f-bomb halfway down this chapter.** I try not to veer too far from 12A rated language, but I felt this one was warranted.  
> Also, I caved and gave this HoK a name. Sorry :/
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you to [strosmkai-rum](https://strosmkai-rum.tumblr.com/) for this prompt:  
>  _Can I make a teeny tiny request/suggestion? I've always seen fics where the HoK is hurt and Martin tends to them. What about: Martin gets hurt, and the HoK and the Blades are acting all fussy and losing their crap, while Martin just says, "I'm fine! Really! Watch this!" and he is not. Fine._

I spotted Baurus pacing in the plaza the moment Briar and I clattered up the steps into Cloud Ruler Temple. The paint horse whinnied, sensing my instant panic at seeing the redguard without the Emperor.   
"Rowan!" Baurus called, walking towards me. A flurry of snow, whipped by the wind, chased him across the plaza. Belisarius took Briar's reins from me as I dismounted.  
"I've got him, xir. You'll be needed inside," he said, voice oddly subdued. I gave him a half nod in thanks, panic mounting as I strode towards Baurus.  
"What's happened?" I asked, as we met in the center of the plaza.  
"Thank the Nine you're here," the redguard Blade said.  
"What happened?" I asked again, more frantic. "Why aren't you with the Emperor?"  
"He..." Baurus paused. "Look, I need you to stay calm-"  
I gripped his shoulders. "Baurus! Where is the Emperor?"  
He reached up, giving my hand a squeeze before prising it from his shoulder. "There's been an accident. His Majesty's been injured-"  
"He _what_? How?"  
"It's nothing threatening," the Blade soothed. "Just a broken leg."  
My heart-rate came down a little at that. "Then why-"  
"Because the injury isn't the issue. The Emperor is insisting he's fine and doesn't need healing. He keeps trying to get back to his research. Jauffre is fuming, and has ordered three Blades to watch His Majesty constantly since the incident. Baragon isn't assertive enough to actually tackle the injury. I can't-" He ran a hand over his head, rubbing at the short curls with a frustrated huff. "No one is listening to sense." He gave me a pitiful look, one I hadn't seen since the day Uriel died. "Please. Talk to them. They may listen to you."  
I stared at him for a long moment, wondering what he thought I could do, if the usually reasonable Jauffre hadn't been able to calm the situation.  
"I'm not really the diplomatic type..."  
"Doesn't matter. You spend most of your time sorting out problems, right? What's one more?"  
I gave a quick huff. "Alright," I said, and watched him melt with relief.  
He closed his eyes and gave a heartfelt sigh. "Thank you."  
I wagged a finger. "No promises."  
"Fine, fine," Baurus said, his signature grin back.  
  


The Great Hall was cheery and warm after the leaden skies and freezing winds of the Jerrals. The sight that greeted me was not, however. Martin was sitting at his desk, a closed book in one hand with which he gestured wildly. As I watched, he came close several times to accidentally smacking Grandmaster Jauffre in the face from where the latter stood over the Emperor, scolding him like a naughty child. Someone, I assumed it was the Blades' healer, Baragon, was under the table. All I could see were a pair of armoured legs. Jena and Pelagius were stationed on either side of Martin, while Fortis stood on the other side of the table, away from Baragon's legs. I didn't even realise I'd stopped until Baurus almost walked into the back of me. I continued to stare at the extraordinary scene as he stepped around me.

"See what I mean?" he asked.  
For a moment I couldn't respond. This was so far out of my experience... What the hell was Baurus expecting me to do? I shook my head.  
"Just try," the redguard urged.  
I gave him a side-eyed look, then drew in a deep breath.  
"Alright," I called. "Would someone like to tell me what the  _ fuck _ is going on here?"

  
As one, the Blades turned to look at me. Baragon smacked his head on the underside of the table. Then everyone started talking at once, a sea of explanations threatening to drown me.  
"Enough! Enough," I said walking forward. "Gods, one at a time." My place in the Blade's hierarchy had always been a bit of a mystery, but they'd always been deferential enough to let me get away with throwing my weight around. Now was the time to test that I supposed.  
I dropped my pack on the table adjacent to Martin's.  
"Baragon," I said. "Get out of there. Grandmaster, may I?"  
Jauffre's face creased and I half expected him to shout me away, but instead he gave a, somehow sarcastic, allowing gesture towards the Emperor.   
"By all means," he said, stepping back.  
I crouched down in front of the Emperor.  
"Martin, what did you do?" I asked, exasperated.  
He bowed his head, stroking the leather embossing on the book's cover.  
"I required some ingredients for an alchemical experiment," he replied with embarrassment. "I left the compound to search for them. I may have had a little... trip."   
"You went flower picking?" I asked, aghast.  
"Thank you!" I heard Jauffre mutter. The old master threw his hands up and paced away.   
"You're the empe-!" I began loudly before stopping myself. Shouting was not going to help. I took a calming breath, continuing in a lower voice. "You are the emperor. If you need something, let one of the blades know and they will fetch it."  
"Alchemy requires specific plants, which you well know. It's easy to get the wrong item."  
"Then you could have waited for me."  
He looked up at me, his eyes dull and pinched with pain. "You have been gone three days. I did not know if I could wait another three for your return."  
"I apologise for my delay. I had some issues- But that's not what's important right now." I pursed my lips for a moment, then looked back over my shoulder. "Baurus, tell me you at least managed to reset the bone?"  
The redguard was strangely silent, his expression one of exasperated disappointment coupled with a disgruntled sigh.  
I felt the pit of my stomach open as understanding dawned, and my heart nearly fell through it. My head whipped back to Martin.  
"You went alone," I said in a shocked whisper. "Oh by the Gods!" I stood, twisting away from him, running a hand through my hair. I turned back. "Why, by the  _ Nine _ , didn't you take someone with you?"   
"Baurus was taking a respite," he said, ducking his head again. "I... didn't want to be a bother."  
The air left my lungs in shock, as I gripped the back of my head.  
"You didn't-" My speech faltered. I turned away again. "I'm- I'm gonna need a minute here..."

  
I paced to the front of the Great Hall, to the small shrine in the corner, and dropped to my knees. The candles flickered with my arrival, and I watched their mesmerizing dance. I needed to stop thinking with my gut, or I was going to make matters worse. I needed to find my center if I was going to stop this from escalating.  
Behind me, a chair scraped out. There was a heavy jangle of a gauntlet.  
"Sit down, sire," I heard Baurus say, his tone brooking no argument.

I took a breath, praying for wisdom from Julianos. Martin wasn't a child. He knew the risks of going out on an icy Frostfall evening into treacherous terrain with no bodyguard. So there had to be more to this. I took another breath, praying for empathy from Stendarr. Martin was in a lot of pain. There had to be a good reason why he'd not healed himself. Though, stranger was why he had refused treatment. My Martin was a penitent, that much I knew. Did he think somehow he deserved this injury? With another breath, I asked patience from Mara, to keep my cool. More shouting wouldn't solve this. Only by forgetting my anger might I understand what was going through that sweet imperial head. I took one final breath, praying for the silver tongue of Dibella. I would need it if I was to coax a revelation from my Emperor and not annoy the Blades further. When I opened my eyes, the weaving flames had stilled, standing straight and true. I smiled, calm settling over me like a down cloak.

  
I stood, taking a few steps away from the shrine.  
"Grandmaster?" I called. Jauffre looked over, and I beckoned to him. "A word?"   
"Yes? What is it?" he asked, his usual mild tone becoming something much more fraught.  
"Grandmaster, I can sort this out if you'll allow it."  
"You have as much chance as any of us," he snapped. His shoulders loosened a fraction as he considered it, looking tired. "Perhaps you stand a better chance. What is it you need?"  
"Your trust."  
He considered me for a moment, then gave a decisive nod. "Very well."  
I gave him a soft smile. "Please take Jena, Pelagius, Fortis, and Baragon, and leave the Great Hall. I promise you, I shall have His Majesty healed and in his rooms before sundown. I'll report to you the moment it's done."  
The Grandmaster cocked his head to one side, then gave a sharp nod. He turned aside, striding towards the door.  
"Blades," he called as he walked, "with me."  
The Blades cast confused looks between themselves before filtering out towards the main doors. I caught Baurus as he passed, placing a hand on his chest.  
"Not you," I said, looking up into his deep brown eyes. "You can stay."  
He looked past me, at the Grandmaster, and I glanced backwards as well. Jauffre nodded then closed the great temple doors on his way out.

  
Baurus and I walked back over to where Martin sat looking at a book. I shoved the bench back in place, sitting down opposite the Emperor, and invited Baurus to do the same. He gave me a quizzical look, but obeyed. As he sat, I looked at the book in Martin's hands, understanding hitting me.  
"Hey," I said, as gently as I could manage. "How bad's your headache?"  
Martin looked at me over the top of the book. "About average," he admitted after a moment.   
"Uh hu. And are you feeling sick at all? Dizzy? Struggling to use your magic?"  
"I- Ah." He set the book down, looking again at it rather than me. "Yes. How did you know?"  
I gave him a soft smile. "Your book was upside down. You're a better healer than me, Marty. You have a concussion, don't you?"  
"Yes. I believe I do," he said quietly.  
"What does that mean?" Baurus asked. I tore my eyes from Martin to look at the Blade.  
"It means he couldn't heal himself and have no one the wiser for his little adventure. He also knew Baragon would insist on not allowing him to work for a few days. Which, may I add," I looked back at our penitent Emperor, "would have been the correct response." I reached over and squeezed Martin's hand, still resting on the book. "Something is bothering you more than normal. I can see that." I stroked a thumb over the back of his hand, gazing at him with soft eyes. "But that's tomorrow's problem. Let's get that leg fixed first, then get you plenty of water and rest."


	2. Chapter 2

Healing the Emperor's leg was a lot harder than I'd expected. I wasn't nearly as experienced with the Heal Other spell as he. But between Baurus, Martin, me and a few potions, it was more healed than not.  Baurus vanished into the kitchens at that point, leaving me to escort our Emperor to his room.  
  


We entered his chamber, always so bright and warm, and I helped him ease down onto the sumptuous bed. He gave an exhausted sigh.  
"Thank you for doing this," he said as I knelt to remove his shoes.  
I gave a shrug and conciliatory grunt, focused on the task.  
"Rowan."  
I pulled off one shoe and paused, rocking back on my heels to look up.  
"I mean it," he said. "I am very grateful. I have not been the best patient..."  
"Neither have I, Sire. Let's consider it payback, hm?" I went back to unfastening his other shoe.  
He rolled his eyes. "Rowan..."  
"Martin," I parroted with a grin, pulling off the other shoe. I stood and sat on the bed next to him, patting his hand. "You don't have to say anything. I could tell you were grateful from the way you relaxed the moment I fended off the Grandmaster."  
"But I... I have made such a nuisance of myself. Worried you all... Made such a mess..."  
I gave another shrug. "It happens. You're just a man. You don't have to be perfect." I shifted to cup his cheek, bringing our foreheads together. "I know there's a lot riding on you-"  
"On both of us."  
"Sure. On both of us. It's a lot to live up to. But we're only mortal. Slip-ups happen. It's okay for you to just be a man, flawed and imperfect, once in a while." I drew back to give him that gentle smile again. "And before you say anything: This kindness is no less than you deserve. I can't count the number of times I've come to you, body and spirit shattered. Where you have patiently put the pieces together and glued them with affection. It's no sin to accept help, Marty. Isn't that what you always tell me? There's no sin in letting someone else lift when you're not strong enough."  
His eyes roved across my face, and he huffed out a chuckle. "Indeed. That is something I often say." He dipped his gaze again, giving me a bashful smile. "Even so. Thank you my friend. I am glad I can count on you." He paused, his expression becoming almost afraid. "I  _ am _ deeply sorry for the trouble I put everyone through. I feel I am going mad confined within these walls. I wished only to commune as I used to in Kynareth's realm. Alone with my thoughts and the wind. Focused on an easy task. Something... normal."  
"There's been a lot of changes, I know," I brushed a lock of hair behind his ear.  
"I greatly respect the Blades, but they are all so formal towards me. I miss being able to laugh with my fellows. I miss my parishioners lending me books, sneaking me freshly baked sweetrolls. I miss companionship." He looked back at me, and guilt sang in my veins for all the time I'd stayed away, denying him the comfort of the one other person in this topsy-turvy new world who might understand.  
"I know," I said. I looked away, towards where the Jerral Mountains brooded outside his window. "I wish I could tell you it's going to get better." I smiled sadly. "Maybe it will. Whadda I know about royalty, huh?" I looked back, to see a smile that mirrored my own.  
"At this point, you know as much as I, my friend," he said, his smile growing brighter. Gods, but it was a crime that smile became rarer each day.  
"You should get some rest, Marty," I said.  
He sighed and the smile faded. "Will... Will you stay with me?" he asked.  
I tapped my tongue behind my teeth, then nodded. "I need to report to Jauffre first, but yes. I will return, and then I'll sit with you for the night."  
"Thank you."  
I stood, so he could swing his legs onto the bed.  
"You're welcome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda have two extra scenes for this in the back of my mind (nothing written up, and no elaboration), but I'm not sure if this is complete as it is...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided I wanted to add some more. Fair warning, this and subsequent chapters are rather disconsolate.
> 
> Rowan, Baurus and Jauffre all need a goddamn hug.

I pulled up my hood as I came out of the west wing, nodding to Caroline.  
"Xir," she greeted me. "The Grandmaster is on the parapet."  
I smiled at her. "Thank you." Someone must have told her Jauffre was expecting me.  
"Xir... Is the Emperor alright?"  
I gave a lusty sigh. "He'll be fine. He just needs-" My mind skipped through a dozen possibilities before giving an empty shrug. Somewhere inside me, something quaked, like a house shifting on unstable foundations. I took a wobbly breath. "He'll be fine."  
I gave the Imperial a sharp nod and hurried to the walls. I absolutely could not afford to break down right now. The Blades needed me as much as Martin did. Maybe more, now the Emperor was out of commission for a while. 

From what I'd seen, while the Blades looked to the Grandmaster for command, they looked to the Emperor for salvation. I existed in a nebulous space between Master and Bodyguard, yet somehow still aside from both. It made me more approachable, I supposed. Able to bridge the gap between them and the Blades. With Martin temporarily unavailable, the Blades already seemed to be looking at me for something... Hope, maybe. That a regular person could survive this chaos, wanting to see themselves reflected in me.  
I recalled Jauffre's attitude, how he'd been beside himself with anger. How he'd shut himself off once he thought I had the task handled. I raised my head to where he stood, dark against the snowy scenery. If there was nothing there when I got to him... Without the Master or the Bodyguard, then that would mean I-   
My knees buckled and I grabbed at the wall for support.

"Xir, are you alright?"  
I looked up to find Roliand at my elbow, his brow furrowed with concern.  
"I'm fine. Just- Light headed suddenly." I gave him a weak smile. "I guess I used up more energy than I thought, healing the Emperor."  
Roliand frowned, then reached into a pocket and handed me some baked apple rings. "Well, here. Eat this. You need to keep your strength up, xir."  
I pushed down on the tremor again.  
"Thank you. I will," I told him and took the fruit. Roliand looked at me expectantly until I took a bite, then nodded and moved on. The fruit was sweet and lightly spiced. The flavour helped bring me back from dwelling on the metaphysical, giving me the energy to approach the Grandmaster.

  
He was leaning against the parapets, looking out as he often did at the winking lights of Bruma city. The wind was shrill and bitter here, filled with the scent of ice. Behind us, the weak sun dipped down behind the Jerral Mountains, like a watery egg with a broken yoke, coating the peaks with insipid yellow light.  
"Grandmaster," I greeted him. He gave only the slightest tilt of his chin towards me. "The Emperor's leg has been healed, and he is resting comfortably in his chambers. I want to examine it again tomorrow though, just to be sure. His Majesty also has a minor concussion. The general healing may have helped, but to be sure he should avoid any strenuous mental exercise for the next few days." I paused, but Jauffre made no comment. "I'll speak to Baragon about it then. As His Majesty's primary physician, he should be made aware."  
Jauffre's fingers tightened on the top of the wall, his knuckles turning white.  
"Grandmaster?"  
Once again, I felt that precipitous shift within. Cinnamon and acid warred at the back of my throat. I swallowed it back.  
"How?" Jauffre demanded. "How am I supposed to keep him safe?"  
"Grandmaster..."  
"What am I to do when he won't stay where he can be watched?"  
"Grandmaster!" I said firmly. Jauffre finally looked at me. "Perhaps it would be more prudent to continue this conversation in private?"  
For a moment he looked confused, then glanced to either side of him, at Arcturus in the sentry tower, and at Roliand walking away.  
"Ah. Yes," he said, his tone dropping back to its usual mild state. "Perhaps it would. Come, then."  
I have seen the Grandmaster move with purpose, and I have seen him saunter on patrol, but until that moment I had never seen him stalk.

  
Ferocious strides took us back into Cloud Ruler, into the East wing. We stopped in the stairwell that led up to the mess hall. When it became obvious that Jauffre had no intent on continuing, I sank onto the second step. The cold of the stone seeped through the chinks in my armour, making my bruises and sore muscles pinch with pain.  
"What am I to do with him, hrm?" the Grandmaster blurted, sweeping back and forth within the narrow well. "How am I to do my duty if he cannot stay where I can protect him. In all my years serving the Ruby Throne, no other emperor has behaved in such a way!"  
"Jauffre," I said, suddenly wearied to the bone. "I am not saying that you have no right to be disgruntled. I quail to think of all the might-have-beens that arose from this misadventure. But please, you must remember: Martin is a Septim in blood, yes, but not by circumstance. He's a scholar and a priest, brought up on a farm. One day he-" A tremble entered my voice. I swallowed and tried again. "One day he will be the greatest Emperor to have ever ruled. But right now he doesn't know how.   
"No other Septim has had their home attacked by dread creatures from a gate of fire. No other Septim has been cajoled by a beggarly-looking messenger to run to the furthest corner of Cyrodiil, and allow themselves to be sequestered in effective isolation for months on end. No other Septim has had a crown dropped in their lap quite like this." I shook my head, blinking away water from tired eyes. "Honestly, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner."  
"I grant the circumstances of his childhood have left him ill-prepared," Jauffree said, pausing in his pacing. I looked up to see him standing with arms loosely crossed, fingers almost in spasm at how fast they drummed against an elbow. "But he is no longer a child. Knowing how to rule or not, he understands what's before us. And yet he chose to ignore counsel and go running off, out of my protective reach."

I paused from where I was rubbing my temples, and looked up. "This isn't just about today is it?" I asked. "You're afraid of losing track of him again. Like you did when he left the Mages Guild to join the cult of Sanguine?"  
The tapping fingers stilled, curling into a fist instead. The Grandmaster looked away from me.  
"Nine guide me," I mumbled. "Jauffre, I'm sure that wasn't your fault. The way I heard it, he left swiftly and unexpectedly. There was no way you could have predicted-"  
"Except I should have done," he said, voice deep and bitter. "It was my final assignment, to keep tabs on the boy, keep him as safe as I could. Instead, I failed Martin. I failed my Lord Uriel. And I am still failing them."  
I took a breath. "Then this is your second chance. This excursion was a blip and nothing more, he'll be more careful in future." I stood, wincing at my aches, and grasped the Grandmaster's elbows. "You won't fail them a second time. I know you won't."  
"And you can be so sure, can you?"  
"As sure as I am that the Nine support us in their own way."  
Jauffre gave a barked laugh at that. "Which is to say, you are not sure at all."  
"I have faith, Jauffre. And!" I broke in before he could voice whatever thought was on his lips. "And I know it is not misplaced. You have the experience to guide us through this Crisis. All that training will come through when we need it. You won't fail, because it's not in you to fail. I know you can do this, Jauffre. I trust you." When he sighed and dropped his arms, I stepped back. It was a victory. Could I manage another?

I massaged my temples again. "Perhaps the close proximity is wearing on you. Jauffre, he's not going anywhere or doing anything more straining than listening to Baurus tell jokes for a few days. Why don't you take some time for yourself? Go to the Chapel in Bruma. Talk to someone more qualified than I. Find a bedmate in Olaf's. I don't care. Just take a few days for yourself. I will not leave Cloud Ruler until you return."  
"Oh ho?" he raised an eyebrow. "And what will you do when I return?"  
I looked him straight in the eye. "When he becomes your problem again, I will go down to Anvil and dance naked and drunk in the surf with the mermaids."  
For a split second, I thought I was going to get my own telling off, then the Grandmaster threw his head back and laughed until he cried.  
"Maybe..." he said, wiping his eyes. "Maybe you are right. Maybe I should take a few days."  
"At least consider it," I said, and patted him on the shoulder. "Now, I believe I have an Emperor to annoy by waking him every few hours."


	4. Chapter 4

I headed to the library, passing through the mess hall and with a nod to Jena and Pelagius, both cradling beakers of something dark. They both looked at me the same as Caroline had, but instead of asking, just politely nodded in return.  
I was only a few steps into the library when I heard crying.  
"Hello?" I called. Instantly, there came the hiccuping snuffles of someone hastily trying to cover up their sobs.  
I took a few steps more.  
"It's just your friendly neighbourhood hero," I called again.  
Wet coughing and sniffles came from a far corner, a nook where two bookshelves didn't quite meet. I knew the corner; the Blades had added a chair and tiny table to the space making it a cosy place for an afternoon's reading. I hadn't realised it made an excellent place to hide from the world.  


I peered in. Startled, bloodshot brown eyes met mine. That sense of metaphysical subsidence edged a little closer to doom at the sight of Baurus' puffy eyes and mahogany blotched face. I gripped the bookcase, steadying myself before I spoke.  
"Oh. So this is where you've been," I said softly.   
His face creased. Wordlessly I squeezed into the space and drew him into a hug. Fingers clutched into whatever holds they could find on my armour as he buried his face into my belly. I stroked over his head as he sobbed into me, closing my eyes against the wetness that sprang up. I could only imagine how he must feel. Losing Uriel when his back was turned must have been hard enough. To almost lose the heir to the same perceived mistake? I hugged Baurus as tight as two people in armour can hug, pressing my cheek into his head as I let his tears run their course.

Eventually, his sobs became sniffles of their own accord, his embrace lessened and he leant his head at a different angle.  
"How could I not notice he was missing?" the Blade asked, his voice rough, catching like chapped hands on wool. "How could I have left him out there so long?"  
"You didn't know,  _ shira _ . How could you've done?" I rubbed my hand over his neck and head in soothing motions. "It wouldn't have ever crossed your mind for our Emperor to do something so out-of-character. Baurus, you are blameless. I promise, no one thinks this is your fault."  
"I think it's my fault. I should have-"  
"Should've, would've, could've," I interrupted him. "It doesn't matter what you should've done. What matters is what you did, and what you'll do differently next time. Dwelling on the past is like throwing pebbles into the ocean – pointless, tiring and you just get salt on your face." I ran a thumb under his eyes, catching the tears and wiping them on my armour.  
He gave a wet chuckle. "I guess you're right. I just feel responsible. He doesn't eat or sleep right. He hardly steps out from fresh air... If I had encouraged him to keep a better schedule..."  
"You're not his nursemaid, Baurus. No more than I'm his errand boy, or Jauffre his father. That behaviour is on all of us."  
"Is that how you feel? Like an errand boy?"  
"This isn't about me," I said, an unwanted edge creeping into my voice.  
Baurus tilted his head back to look at me, eyebrows raised in question.  
"It's about all of us fixing this mess we've gotten into, together." I passed a hand over my face, wondering why his question had set my nerves jangling like plucked lute strings. I sighed and shook my head. "But now is not the time. None of us are in the right frame of mind."  
Baurus' frown turned into a smile. "Such wise thoughts you're having today." The smile vanished. "How are you holding together so well?"  
I thought again about my metaphysical boots scrabbling for purchase against the falling cliff we all seemed to be on. Felt the slope get that bit steeper.  
"You asked me to," I said, forcing my feelings that bit further into a corner of my mind. Ignoring the ache in my back and the sting of a dozen half-healed cuts. "The Emperor said you were taking a refresher when he slipped out. But that was what – a half-hour nap and a cheese sandwich? When was the last time you got a proper meal and a full night's sleep?"  
Baurus pulled away, finding a loose thread on his under-jerkin very interesting.  
"Yeah, that's what I thought." I leant back against the bookshelf, wishing my damn headache would stop getting worse. "Baurus, go get a real meal. Lots of meat and veg. Then go to bed."  
The redguard gave me a sharp look. "But the Emperor-"  
"-will be watched over by me tonight. Go on, now might be the last time in a while someone else has emperor sitting duty."

He gave me a dubious look.  
"What, you think I can't handle it?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "He's bedbound, and I have not long had a glorious nine-hour snooze. I'll be fine." Baurus remained frowning at me for a moment long enough that I wondered if he could tell I wasn't being entirely truthful. But he didn't need to know those nine hours were spent passed out in the sooted dirt of a recently closed Oblivion gate.  
Eventually, he scrubbed at his face and gave a tired sigh. "Alright. As long as you're sure?"  
"I am. Here, let me do something about this." I tilted his head back to face me again, and ran a thumb over his puffy eyes, letting out a sliver of healing magic.  
Baurus smiled again, much closer to his usual smirk.  
"Thank you."  
"No problem. Now go," I gestured to the rest of the Temple. "Eat. Sleep. Feel better in the morning."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least one more chapter after this...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For people reading this after completion, this won't make much sense, but for people reading this chapter at the end of September 2020 **please take note of the amended Archive warnings** :  
> * Major Character Death  
> * Graphic Depictions of Violence  
>  **And the new tags** :  
> * Blood and Violence  
> * Character Death in Dream

Once I was satisfied Baurus was feeling better and on his way to some food, I made my way back to the Emperor's suite via Baragon in the Great Hall. The Blades' healer was in his usual place, reading by the fire. We briefly went over the situation, both specific to the Emperor's health and in general to the events surrounding his misadventure. I told Baragon I would teach him some useful healing spells, half expecting a fight but none came. He merely agreed that we should discuss it further on the morrow, and gave me a candle and pin so I knew when to wake the Emperor.

In the corridor below the Master chambers, I stopped to take a calming breath. I could feel my patience wearing thin, like coarse weft rubbing on the edges of my soul.  
 _Just a little more_ , I pleaded to the Nine. _A single ounce more, please_. My hands shook as I ate another of the apple rings Roliand gave me. _They're counting on me_. For a moment, with my head pressed against the cool stone wall, I thought I felt the shifting ground under my feet still. The slope levelled just a bit. It was enough.  
"Thank you," I whispered to the air.

  
Martin stirred as I slid in through the door, turning towards the sound and mumbling something.  
"It's alright, Marty," I murmured, crossing to his bedside. "It's just me." I crouched down and brushed a trickle of hair from his face. "Can you wake up for me, just for a moment? I need to ask you some questions."  
He buried his face in the pillow and grumbled something into it.  
"Yes you do have to," I said. "It won't be long, then you can go back to sleep."  
I heard a tired huff come from the pile of Emperor, then he turned to look at me, blue eyes shimmering in the lantern light.  
"Can you tell me your full name?" I asked, resting my hands on the edge of the bed.  
"Martin Fa-" He huffed. "Martin Septim."  
"Good. Do you know where you are?"  
"I'm in Cloud Ruler Temple, County Bruma."  
"And do you know who I am?"  
He smiled, beautific and cheeky at once. "My dear friend, the Hero of Kvatch."  
I rolled my eyes and smiled despite everything. "Yeah, okay. I'll accept that." I rocked back on my heels. "Marty, do you mind if I potter about for a bit? Maybe make use of your washbasin? There's some... things I need to take care of. I can just sit quietly and read if you prefer."  
He blinked slowly at me, already sleepy again. "By all means, make yourself at home. If you're bustling I know you're still here."  
I gave him a smile, squeezing his arm. "Thank you. I'll check on you again in another four hours."  
He nodded as his eyes drooped closed, his affirmative mumble muffled by the pillow. I stood, smoothing the covers over his shoulders and gave him a soft smile.  
"Goodnight my Emperor," I whispered, then turned to where the washbasin sat atop a set of drawers. 

I puttered about for a bit, healing my remaining injuries, washing off the blood and maintaining my weapons before I wandered around the room putting out the lanterns. I dragged the desk chair over to the door, setting up the candle and pin so it would wake me in a few hours, and settled down, wedged between wall and door.

_ I'm stumbling out of an Oblivion gate. Frost-filled air is a shock against my skin, hot and crackling from the Deadlands. In my hand, I'm clutching a large sigil stone. It still vibrates with the power of the gate, sending tremors down my arm. The snowy slope opposite me is filled with bodies, carrion birds already eating their fill.  
_ _ A harsh voice calls out, words that send prickles up my spine. I turn. Three grey-skinned daedra – Xivilai, Martin called them, the most dangerous of the dremora – are standing not far from me. Two Blades kneel at their feet. My chest constricts as I recognise them. Baurus and Jauffre. One of the xivilai, with the biggest horns, holds out a hand to me and growls again in daedric.  
_ _ I don't understand what he wants. The other xivilai pull back on my Blades' heads, exposing their throats.  
_ _ Fear and dread well up in me. I want to draw my own weapon, but I am frozen.  
_ _ Big Horns growls again. I'm crying, as I shake my head.  
_ _ The xivilai place their weapons to the throats of my Blades. My throat burns as I scream. Big Horns gestures. The xivilai cut.   
_ _ Jauffre's body slumps forward, turning the ground to bloody slush. Baurus' head rolls towards me, snow sparkling on his dark cheeks. It stops at my feet, eyes staring up, opaque and accusatory.  
_ _ I am wailing, falling to my knees. A hand grasps my hair, jerking me sideways  _ and into consciousness.

I fell out of the chair, knees giving out as I crashed towards the chest of drawers. Desperately, I grabbed for the washbasin, pulling it to the floor, retching up apple-sweet vomit.  
Behind me, the door crashed open. The chair fell with a slam.   
"Sire? Xir!" Steffan yelled.  
"Ro'?" Martin called from the bed. 

_ Baurus' staring up at me, blood leaking over my knees. _   
I retched again, eyes streaming and chest heaving.   
Steffan touched my back. I flinched away, startled and fell against the chest in my haste to get away.  
"Rowan-"   
I looked up to see Martin, worried and half out of bed. The thought of him struggling through this without Jauffre or Baurus hit me like a punch to the chest. My heart ripped, messy and shredded.  
"Need to check..." I mumbled.  
Then I was running, coltish and ungainly, through the temple, down to the barracks. 

  
I swung into the room, dashing over to Baurus' bedside. I pressed my fingers to his neck, feeling the beat of blood under my fingertips. He came awake at once, jerking upright, a dagger in his hand. My knees gave out again, and I sobbed into his bedsheets.  
"Rowan?"  
"You're alive. Thank- thank the Nine. You're alive."  
"What's going on? Are we under attack?" He pulled himself upright.  
"No. No, it's nothing." I said, my throat raw. I looked up from between sodden fingers, feeling stupid. "Sorry. Shouldn't've woken you. Please. Go back to sleep."  
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, curling a finger gently over my cheek. "Too bad. I'm awake now. Talk to me."  
"No. No, it's... silly. I thought-"

"Rowan?" Martin's voice came from the doorway of the Barracks. My heart froze. I couldn't look behind me.   
"I'm sorry, xir," Captain Steffan said. "His Majesty insisted." My fingers tightened on Baurus' bedsheets, thoughts thundering like a river:  _ You're making a mess. You're supposed to be the Hero. It was just a Gods' damned dream. Get up and be competent. Get up! _ I unclenched my hands, running a hand over my face, and stood.  
"Apologies, Sire. I had an... unsettling dream. Please. Allow Captain Steffan to escort you back to your chamber. I'll be along shortly."  
Martin frowned at me, but I could already see him drooping.  
"Come, Sire. You need all the rest you can get," Steffan said.  
"Very well," Martin said, heavy reluctance in every aspect of his body language and tone.  
The Blade Captain drew the Emperor away, though Martin's gaze lingered a moment longer. Then they vanished around the corner.

"So, a dream, eh," Baurus said. "You wanna talk about it?"  
"I must attend His Majesty." I stepped away, but Baurus caught my hand.  
"That's not a no."  
I looked at the floor, throat tightening. His hand was much warmer than mine. "I must attend-"  
"I heard you the first time. You know, I spoke to the Grandmaster, in the mess hall. And Jena told me what you said to Caroline. You've been preaching tolerance of the self to everyone who needed it. It's good advice. Maybe you should take it too."  
I threw my head back, looking at the roof frame.  
"Why did I bother checking you were alive again?" I asked.  
"Oh. So I died, in this dream of yours?"  
"Baurus, I vomited in the Emperor's chamber. I need to go clean it up."  
Still holding my hand, Baurus stood and led me to the door. "Let the Captain deal with it."   
I stopped, looking up the corridor. "I said I would sit with him. I made a promise."  
"The Emperor will understand if you take five minutes to talk through with me a dream so bad it made you vomit."  
"And what will that solve? It was just a nightmare."  
"Ah, so it's now a nightmare."  
"I- no-," I let my shoulder slump. "Shit."  
Baurus raised his eyebrows expectantly.  
I slumped against the wall, arms crossed. "Fine. You were murdered. Alright? You and Jauffre, taken in cold blood by some dremora, in front of me." I waved a hand. "There. We talked about it." I pulled away from the wall, turning away. "Good night Baurus."  
"This isn't over," he said. "We're talking about it in the morning."  
"Sure and fine. I have vomit to clean up," I said and returned to the Emperor's chamber.

  
I should be happy Baurus wanted to talk me through such a traumatic dream, but all it did was remind me what a mess I'd just made.  
"Xir," Captain Steffan greeted me as I approached the Emperor's chamber. "Are you feeling better?"  
"Yes. Thank you, Captain." I gave him a brittle smile. "I do apologise-"  
Steffan waved a hand. "Nothing to apologise for, xir. It happens to the best of us. You did give me a mighty fright." He clapped me on the shoulder with a smile. "But, no harm, no foul. I took the liberty of having someone deal with the mess. The smell was a bit..." He wrinkled his nose and pulled a face.  
"I was coming back to deal with it. But thank you, Captain, that was very kind."  
"I know. Just thought to save some time, is all. Goodnight, Hero."  
"Goodnight Captain." 

  
With a nod to the imperial Captain, I slipped back into Martin's chamber. The chair had been righted, the washbowl removed, and the window had been cracked open enough to let a cool trickle of fresh air into the room. The candle had burned past the marker pin, but the Emperor had displayed enough cognisance that I snuffed it out.  
"Ro'?" The bundle of Emperor shifted. What I'd thought was his incumbent form was just his knees, the rest of him leant against the headboard with the covers pulled up.  
I paused, one hand on the back of the chair. "Yes, Sire. Go back to sleep."  
Even in the dark, I could see his head shake.  
"Would you come here?"  
I ran a hand over my face, massaging my temples for a moment before walking over to him.  
"Yes, Sire?"  
"Here, sit. Drink this." He pressed a goblet into my hand, the metal cold and dimpled. I drank, the sweet cold water washing away the bitter aftertaste of acid.  
"Thank you," I said, handing back the goblet. "Sire, you really should sleep."  
"In a moment," he said. "Would you..." I heard him swallow. "Would you mind if I held you?"  
"Uh. Ah?" My head spun for a moment, unsure of how to answer. Surely it wasn't decorous for an Emperor to hug his Knight? But then, he wasn't asking me as Emperor... "No... I suppose not?"  
Slowly, awkwardly, he leant forward and grasped my shoulders. When I didn't pull away, he gathered me to him, resting his cheek on my shoulder.  
He was very warm. Very calm. I felt tears pricking at my eyes, but I couldn't afford to shed them. Hesitantly I looped my arms around his back. I could feel he was putting more of himself into this embrace than I was, but that invisible line still held me back.  
"It was a dream of prophecy you had, wasn't it?" he asked.  
"I... I don't know."  
"Who died?"  
I swallowed. I would _not_ cry. "Baurus and Jauffre."  
"How?"  
"At the hands of dremora."  
"Where?"  
"I don't know. There was a closed gate. It was snowy."  
He was silent for a long time. Long enough that I loosened my arms, prepared to pull back.  
"Did this dream... feel like the first time you had that one about... me?"  
 _Oh... No... Please no_. I stopped breathing. _Shit._ _Shitshitshit._ Martin must have felt me freeze because he held a little tighter.  
"It wasn't prophecy," I said. It came out as a plea.  
"You need to tell them."  
I pressed my head against his shoulder. "It is not a good time for this conversation."  
He stroked the back of my head. "They deserve to know."  
"I can't," I said, voice cracking.  
"You told me-"   
"That was different. With you I was sure. Dozens of dreams, all the same, more vivid each time."  
"They need to know, to prepare..."  
"Do you want me to go?" I pulled back, staring at him with wide, questioning eyes.  
He tilted his head to one side, the furrows of his brow collecting shadows.  
"Because I will. I stayed away and gave you a few more months. If you think for a second my leaving will save them, save you, then I will walk out right now. Cross the Jerrels into Skyrim and never set foot in Cyrodiil again. None of these... visions can come true if I'm not here. Right?"  
I could feel Martin's horrified stare, even though his eyes were in shadows. Then he was gathering me back to him, holding me tight.  
"Maybe it is a bad time for this conversation..." he murmured into the top of my head, as he rocked us.  
"Martin, I will. I'll go if you think I should," I said, his nightshirt muffling my voice.  
"No, no, dear one," he said, his voice a comforting rumble through his chest. "Let us leave this discussion for the morrow, hrm? You were right: we should be sleeping." I felt the weight of his head and arms increase as he began drifting down into sleep. His warmth and the comfort of his voice laid a heavy blanket over my fears, and I felt myself getting drowsy too. I let myself sit, protected by the heavy dark for a moment or two longer, as he succumbed to sleep above me. Then, gently, I extricated myself, easing the Emperor of Cyrodiil down into his bed. He gave a few soft snores. I waited while his breathing evened out and he'd snuggled into the covers before taking my place on the chair in the corner.

He was right. I had been right. Baurus had been right. Even if all it had taken was one evening for cracks to appear, for vulnerabilities to show through, none of our issues would be solved in one already fraught evening. It would take diligence, patience, and discussion in the clear light of day to shore up the slope and repair the cracks.  
Despite my misgivings, my sorrow and premature grief, I drifted off with gladness, and a surety that we could walk this harrowing path as long as we stayed mindful and protective of each other.

~fin~


End file.
